For a long time, I didn’t have the words for it. I just knew something felt off. From the outside, everything looked normal there was a home, there were rules, there were expectations. But inside, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, like I had to be just right to be okay. I learned early on that love wasn’t something I could just receive it was something I had to earn. When I did everything right, when I stayed quiet, got good grades, and didn’t cause problems, things felt calm. But the moment I stepped outside of that, everything shifted. Suddenly, I was too much. Too emotional. Too sensitive. And I remember constantly wondering… what did I do wrong this time?
I became hyper-aware of everything. Her tone, her mood, her silence. I learned how to read the room before I even walked into it. I knew when to speak and when to stay quiet. Because peace never felt safe it felt temporary, like at any moment something could go wrong. The hardest part wasn’t just how I was treated, it was the confusion. Because sometimes she was loving. Sometimes she was kind. And those moments made me question everything else. They made me think maybe it wasn’t that bad, maybe I was overreacting, maybe it really was me. So I stayed stuck between loving her and hurting because of her.
As I got older, I started to notice how much it followed me. The way I overexplained myself. The way I apologized for things that weren’t my fault. The way I felt responsible for other people’s emotions. Even when nothing was wrong, I still couldn’t fully relax. I thought that was just who I was… but it wasn’t me. It was what I learned. The shift didn’t happen overnight. It came in small, quiet moments where I started questioning everything. Moments where I thought… what if I was never the problem? What if I was just a child trying to survive in an environment that didn’t know how to hold me? That thought alone changed everything.
Healing from a narcissistic mother comes with guilt. Because no matter what happened, that’s still your mother. But I had to learn that acknowledging what hurt me doesn’t mean I don’t love her. Choosing myself doesn’t make me a bad daughter it makes me someone who is finally learning to protect her peace. Now, I’m in a space where I’m relearning myself. Learning who I am outside of survival mode. Learning that I don’t have to shrink, overexplain, or carry everything. Learning that I’m allowed to feel safe, to be soft, and to choose myself even if it feels unfamiliar.
A Soft Truth:
You were not too much. You were not the problem. You were just a child trying to be loved in a way you deserved.
A Gentle Reminder:
You don’t have to keep carrying what hurt you. You don’t have to keep proving your worth. You are allowed to be loved in a way that feels safe… including by yourself.
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